When I was thinking about what my first entry would be I had a multitude of ideas each competing for the spot. Each idea really great until staring at a blank page. Holy run on sentence Batman!
Last night… my second “Uber eve” I had the usual collection of drunk folks. Nothing out of the ordinary really. However, I had two trips with some gay guys, who were probably well meaning, but ultimately left my skin crawling.
Ordinarily I take objectification for what it is— something in which we all tend to participate. A sort of natural fuckery (by product) or our brains… However, the particular emotional state I was in last night —lent this version of power dynamics (see “good customer service rules”) particular weight and bearing on my affect.
“Hey, we’ve been in this car before”
“Not to be rude but are you gay?”
“Feel free to come here (destination) again after you’re done”
Triggering… since a lifetime of inherently “social” work (lots of retail) has put me in this very place before. This time, essentially, I am the business owner. This is my car. This is my safety. Do I make a pointed comment? Set a boundary?
…no. I’ll awkwardly engage in banter (if you’ve ever met me you’ll know the shit show that was).
I guess that’s what you do to maintain that 4.98 rating. Because standing up for yourself, especially when your “reactivity” is identified as a problem (see “identified patient”) is rendered impossible.
But really, these situations exist and abide. The monster in the closet eventually finds its way under the bed and so on… so a future entry on finding safe and healthy settings to exist is in order (I stopped driving after this event).
In the coming writings I will explore my high sensitivity (see “Highly Sensitive Person”) and my Introverted nature. I do this with the intention of accurately portraying this world, my inner world.
Each who identifies similarly has likely come to a set of conclusions:
1- internet memes and self help blogs about this subject are crap.
Because 2- we’re all different.
3- and within that difference and within our group there are those of us who don’t feel and know we aren’t broken except when…
We’re in a car. You’re being overtly sexual. And you’re taking advantage of the big ass E “Empath” dump-your-shit-here invitation printed in ink only you can see… I think mine is on the back of my head.
So here we will outline the continuum of extremes I exist on. misunderstood, sometimes isolated, and definitely more vulnerable I’ve been in “public” in a long time.